Kirk's Rules
by NCC-1701-Z
Summary: Kirk was never one for rules. But in his role of captain he had to keep order some how. Hence Kirk's Rules. A collection of short stories following every day life on the Enterprise, and how these rules came to be...
1. Chapter 1

**Rule 1:** **No uniforms are necessary except on away missions**

It started with the fact that the bridge is just too cold for Spock.

The problem with Spock was that he was never quite comfortable anywhere but his quarters. His childhood on Vulcan had just been a hot, sticky mess, and on more than one occasion he was absent from school with heatstroke.

"How will he ever succeed if he is sick every second week?" one of the instructors had asked his parents.

It took all of Amanda's self-control to not punch said Vulcan's ears.

Much of his adult life was spent in big jumpers and beanies, as Earth was too cold. Many of his students remember their part Vulcan teacher arriving in a parker and scarf, and sneezing his way through lectures. Spock remembered fondly how he had lost his scarf one week, only to be presented with a rainbow knitted scarf by one of his students.

"This pattern is... interesting" He told the beaming girl.

"I knew you would like it" She replied as she bounced.

Spock still had the scarf, and even wore it occasionally, much to Chekov's delight.

...

Trying to find a way to keep warm and stay in uniform was puzzling Spock, who had taken refuge in his quarters. Looking through his wardrobe, Spock realized that he owned no clothes, other than his uniform, a pair of old Vulcan ceremonial robes, and that old rainbow scarf. _Desperate times call for desperate measures,_ Kirk's voice rang in his head. Spock found it amusing that even now, on his own, Jim would continue to taunt him.

 _But it was a desperate time,_ thought Spock.

...

So the next day Spock turned up to work with his uniform under his Vulcan robes, and a rainbow scarf.

"Uh… Mr Spock, is that regulation?" Asked a bemused Kirk.

"No Captain, but I do believe that it is acceptable, considering my conundrum" replied Spock, who didn't look up from his work.

"Oh, your temperature tantrums?"

"I would not call them tantrums, Captain. They are merely just me expressing my irritation."

"More like rants" piped Chekov, who had learnt long ago that no one cared when he spoke frankly without permission.

Just then, Sulu and Uhura walked in, after having a pleasant morning meal in the mess hall. Looking up from their conversation, Uhura's eyes fell upon Spock. _Clank!_ The PADD she was clutching hit the ground. Spock's expression stayed the same as always; calm and regulated. Uhura's wasn't.

Uhura's rotation on the bridge had lasted less than thirty seconds.

And so the crew continued to work, with only the occasional glance at Spock's outfit. Thankfully Bones didn't turn up. For the first time in ages, Spock could feel completely comfortable on the bridge, even if he did get some odd looks.

...

That night Spock found a package in his quarters. Upon further inspection, a note was found:

 _You'll look good in this, - A Friend._

He opened the package to find a pair of blue jeans, white long-sleeve shirt and a black hoodie with the solar system printed on it. As he pulled the outfit on he noticed how well it fitted him, and how comfortable civilian clothes were.

For the next few months Spock wore the outfit, with his Starfleet badge pinned on his scarf. The rest of the crew didn't mention the fact that he was not in uniform. On any other starship this certainly would not be allowed, but Kirk couldn't care less.

That is, until Chekov and Sulu turned up to work in their pyjamas.


	2. Chapter 2

**Rule 2: Don't call Kirk Captain or Sir. Jim will be sufficient.**

Everyone knows James Tiberius Kirk. Who would know that the reckless Academy misfit would become the captain of _The_ _Enterprise_? _The Enterprise_ for sanity's sake! The young man had made quite a celebrity out of himself, and no one could deny it.

Kirk wasn't _a_ captain. He was _the_ captain.

Any cadet would know Kirk. His adventures had become reading requirements in many Academy classes. He was James T, the man who saved Earth, or Kirk, explorer of the unknown. Kirk had become this larger than life, supernatural superhero who survived on his wits.

This superhero megastar was now standing in front of his mirror, his uniform back-to-front and inside-out, wondering how he managed to get into this mess.

...

It had been one normal, kinda boring day on the bridge. There had been the usual small talk and quiet chit chat, and of course, everything was formal. Jim hated the formality of everything. Sometimes, he had to remind himself that when they were on the bridge, Hikaru, Nyota and Pavel were Lieutenants Sulu, Uhura and Ensign Chekov. But he was captain. Even off duty most people called him Captain, or sometimes Mr Kirk. He knew it was regulation, but it still annoyed him.

He couldn't quite work out why, though. Maybe because it because it made him so much more senior than his friends. Or maybe it was the expectations that came with the title. Or maybe it was yet another painful reminder of how similar he is to his Dad.

Just as he was pondering this frustration, a young yeoman approached him, carrying a PADD under her arm. Kim didn't recognize her, and she looked a little nervous. _She must be the new transfer,_ Jim thought.

"Um, Captain, sir, these are…"

"Please, just call me Jim. Everyone around here does."

Hikaru smirked silently, because as he recalled, it had only been this morning when Jim had been ranting in the mess hall about how no one called him Jim. Pavel, now distracted by Hikaru trying to contain a giggling fit, started muttering in Russian.

"Никто не называет вас этим капитаном! Только, мы, люди, которые мирились с вашим идиотизмом!"

At this, Nyota started laughing, loving the complete honesty of Chekov's statement. Pavel blushed and quickly put his head back down to his work. He had forgotten that Nyota spoke Russian.

Looking around at this sudden burst of laughter, Jim shot a warning look at Hikaru, but only succeeded in making the pilot laugh even more. The now bewildered yeoman quickly gave the captain the PADD, wanting to get off the bridge quickly. Jim signed it and offered it back to her.

"Thank you, captain. Errr… Sir. Jim!"

Before Jim had time to respond, the young woman had scurried off the bridge and into the turbolift, flustered and confused as to what she just experienced.

...

"Yes Captain."

"Certainly, Captain"

"Of course, Captain"

"Aye Captain"

"Where would you like it, Captain?"

"No worries Captain"

"How you going, Jim?"

Surprised by a hand suddenly appearing on his shoulder, Jim looked up from his evening meal to find a smiling, but concerned Bones peering down at him.

"You've been sitting there for an hour, but haven't eaten anything yet."

"I'm not hungry."

"You still need to eat. Being Captain doesn't come with invulnerability."

There it was again. _Captain._ It haunted him.

"Fine. I'll eat. But only so you'll quit annoying me!"

Satisfied with Jim's promise, the CMO sat across from his friend, watching him eat slowly. Something was bugging Jim. Now if only he could find out what.

"You want to talk about it?"

"About what?" asked a confused Jim.

"About whatever's going on in there." Bones pointed at Jim's head, just above his eyes.

"Oh… it's nothing Bones, you wouldn't understand."

"I'm willing to bet that you're wrong" he smirked.

"It's just…" with a sigh Jim gave in. "I think my name's Captain."

Bones just stared at his friend for a second, worried. He briefly considered pulling rank and dragging Kirk down to sickbay. But eventually all he did was laugh. And so did Jim. Laughing like the pair of idiots that they were.

 **AN: Hello everyone! I'd like to just write a quick thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, followed or favorited Kirk's Rules. This is the first fan fiction I've published, so all feedback is much appreciated. Kirk's Rules is a bunch of short stories that I started writing after me and my friend were talking about the Enterprise. My friend (who I'll refer to as 'The Doctor' because she's a huge Doctor Who fan) now edits these stories before I publish them, which I am very grateful for, because I'm very bad at self-editing...**

 **So Thank you to everyone who still thinks this is worth reading! :)**

 **Chekov translation: No one calls you that, Captain. Only we, the people who put up with your idiocy!**

 **Also: Please note (If you're still reading) that I use google translate when I write Pavel's Russian lines, so if anyone actually speaks Russian, I apologize in advance!**

 **Thank you all again!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Rule 3: No one is to give Pavel any more sugar!**

"James T. Kirk, what in the world did you do to Pavel!?" Uhura was not happy.

"I swear! I did nothing! I found him like this. I think Scotty has something to do with it! I dunno!"

For once in his life, Jim was not the cause of the problem. It was a weird sensation, not being the one to blame, but they had a problem, and he and Nyota were going to get to the bottom of it.

Sitting in front of them was Pavel Andreievich Chekov, squirming on his seat with an evil grin on his face. On the floor was piles upon piles of paper, covered in Pavel's indecipherable handwriting. Nyota could only make out a few words of Pavel's Russian/Standard hybrid language that he took notes in, but what she could definitely work out was the numbers. Pavel had spent the whole morning excitedly working out equations, but neither Jim nor Nyota could work out their purpose.

…

Jim had first noticed something was up when Pavel was late to his bridge rotation. Pavel was always on time. If not earlier. No one who had ever known the boy could recall a time he was late. He had not missed a single Academy class, was never late for work, and much to McCoy's delight, he was the one person who had never missed a physical. So when Ensign Chekov didn't turn up on the bridge, Jim knew something was wrong.

"Sulu, do you know where Mr Chekov is? We need our navigator if we're going to get anywhere." Kirk asked. Sulu and Chekov were inseparable, so if anyone knew was going to know where Pavel was, it would Hikaru.

But, much to Jim's surprise, the pilot didn't know. "Ask Scotty. He'll know… but try Pavels quarters first."

"Thank you, Lieutenant!" And with that, Jim dashed off the bridge to find his young friend. Without a word, Spock moved from his station, and sat down in the captain's chair. He was so used to Jim just leaving the bridge by now, that he didn't even need to wait for Kirk to give him the comm.

…

So now here Jim was, sitting in sickbay with a giggling Chekov, after having sent Nyota back to the bridge.

Doctor McCoy entered the room, looking at some results on his PADD. He had taken some tests from the boy when Jim had brought him in earlier. It had been hard for them to keep Pavel still enough to take some of the scans, but they did it…eventually.

"So, um… what's wrong with him?" Jim looked up at Bones. Swatting Pavel's hand away. He had just realized how shiny Jim's hair was, and really wanted to play with it.

"You're not going to believe it, Jim, but Chekov's behaviour has been caused by a sugar high."

"You're right. I don't believe it. How much sugar would Chekov need to eat to become like… _this!"_ he gestured furiously at Chekov, who now thought the pattern the lights made on the ceiling was the best thing ever.

"I don't know how much, but he effectively would have to eat a bowl of pure sugar for breakfast. I don't know where he got it from, though. The replicators are specifically programed not to let this happen. But after a day or two, there should be no side effects. I would suggest you lock him in his quarters and wait it out. In a couple of hours, he'll run out of energy and fall asleep on the spot."

...

So Jim ended up half leading, half dragging Pavel back to his quarters. The boy was getting distracted easily. He wanted to explore this massive ship, not go back to his cabin. It was boring there.

Jim finally wrestled the kid into his room and locked the door, when he turned around, and found himself face to face with Scotty. Scotty was looking down at his feet, looking suspiciously guilty and a bit bemused. Remembering that Sulu had mentioned Scotty on the bridge, Jim folded his arms and addressed the engineer.

"You wouldn't, perhaps, know _who_ is responsible for my navigator's temporary insanity?" Jim asked.

As if to prove a point, Pavel started proudly singing (yelling) the Russian national anthem "Славься, Отечество наше свободное, Дружбы, народов надежный оплот!" Kirk was trying really hard not to burst out laughing...

"Ummm…. That would be me…. Sir." Scotty spoke so quietly, that Jim could only just hear it.

"And how, may I ask?" Jim raised his eyebrows, doing his best to impersonate Spock. He'd been practising.

"Well, it's a rather long story, Captain."

"I have all the time in the world."

"Well… you see, I thought it would be funny, you know, to see what happened when Pavel had too much sugar. I mean, he never eats anything sweet when he's about to go on duty, and I was wondering why… I didn't expect this, though. I guess I now know _why_!"

"How did you do it, Mr Scott?!"

"I reprogrammed the replicators so that the next thing he ordered would be make completely of sugar, but maintain the food's original taste and texture. He wouldn't have noticed until it was too late. I'm very sorry sir!"

But Jim was not angry (okay, maybe a little on the inside). He was instead laughing his guts out. After about thirty seconds of confusion, Scotty joined in. They were laughing so hard that Kirk was now wheezing.

"Don't apologize to me, Scotty! Go say sorry to the Ensign who you just made a fool of!"

So very cautiously, Kirk opened the door to Chekov's quarters, bracing himself to immediately be attacked by a blond, curly ball of energy. Except he wasn't. Somehow, in the five minutes that Jim had been talking to Scotty, the little rascal had escaped. They walked into the room, looking for any sign of the ensign.

"Jim!" Scotty called from the bathroom. He was holding a panel, and there was a hole in the ceiling. Somehow, Pavel had climbed up to the roof and gotten into the Jefferies Tubes between the decks.

"Crap… he's in the vents! He could be anywhere by now!" Frustrated that his day was growing even more complicated he turned to the computer. "Computer, locate Ensign Chekov."

"ENSIGN P. A. CHEKOV IS IN THE ENGINEERING SECTION."

As if on cue, the artificial gravity gave out. Scotty was laughing so hard he was crying, and Jim looked close to losing it. They floated out of Pavel's quarters and into the hallway. That's when the lights started flashing different colours, like old-fashioned disco strobe lights, and Russian opera blared out of the ship-wide speakers. _Pavel is officially not allowed any sugar unless someone else is watching him,_ Jim thought. _And that person can't be Scotty!_

...

"How, in all the wonders of the universe, did he manage to do all of that?" Jim looked down at his navigator, who had passed out on the floor after his mischief had finally been fixed.

"Apparently, he hacked into the bridge's computers and rerouted all ship functions to here. He tried to lock me out, but with all due respect to his genius brain, _Russiaisthebest_ is not a good password." Scotty sighed. He had learnt his lesson; Don't mess with the teenage genius.

...

The next day, Chekov woke up with a splitting headache and no memory of the day before.

...

 **AN: Wow, less than a day! I had nothing on today, so I guess I just wrote as much as I could. Thank you to all the awesome reviews, they're really exciting to read and they make me very happy! (blushes). This chapter is a lot longer than the two previous ones, and I don't really know how long the chapters are going to be on average. I have about 10 to 12 more chapters planned out, but I don't really know how long it's going to take me to type them up and publish them. I don't have a regular day to update, because the days I'm busy change on a weekly bases.**

 **Thanks for reading, as always!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Rule 4: No one is allowed to cut Spock's hair.**

CRASH.

Yet again Spock and Kirk were on the run, being chased by some exotic alien race that Jim had inevitably found a way to offend. The duo were dashing through a forest of glowing blue vines and bright pink trees, the fizzle of phaser fire getting alarmingly close. This was becoming a regular occurrence. Kirk quickly shot a few stun beams behind him, not waiting long enough to see if any hit his target, before sprinting to keep up with Spock. The first officer was much faster than his captain. Without breaking his stride, the half-Vulcan retrieved his communicator from his belt.

"Lieutenant Commander Scott, I advise you to prepare for an emergency transportation."

" _Aye sir, just tell me when."_ Scotty's voice crackled from the speaker of the communicator.

"NOW, Scotty!" cried a breathless Jim.

The pair were suddenly surrounded with the familiar blue light, before beaming back to the safety of the ship. A stray phaser beam flew through the air where Kirk and Spock had been mere seconds before.

…

Scotty smiled as his friends materialised on the pad in front of him. Jim was covered head to toe in sweat, blood and dirt. His shirt and pants were ripped up beyond repair. A whole sleeve was missing! The captain had dropped his hands onto his knees and was panting with wide eyes filled with relief and exhaustion. His hair was a blond mess, and it looked as if he had just gotten out of bed. Bones was going to kill him.

Spock however, looked exactly the same as he did before he beamed down. Picture perfect uniform, and no cuts or bruises. Hell, the first officer hadn't even broken a sweat. There was no sign that Spock had just been sprinting through a jungle whilst getting shot at for the last four hours. Perhaps the strangest thing of all though, was the man's hair. It was styled in his usual neat bowl cut. Scotty would bet not a single hair on the Vulcan's head had moved an inch.

…

Spock's hair was legendary. No one quite knew how, but he had managed to always keep it in perfect condition, looking precise and tidy. Many rumours had sprung up about Spock's extraordinary mop, though most could be traced back to certain young navigators and pilots. Pavel once claimed that it was bullet proof, and Hikaru tried to convince Jim that it was actually a wig.

In his whole life, Spock had never had a bad hair day. Until today, that is.

…

In Spock's defence, it was Scotty's fault. During the bridge crew's most recent prank war, Spock had been proclaimed as invincible, and the rest of the crew had teamed up (it had gotten _that_ bad!) to try and catch him unaware. They had all tried (and failed), but the Vulcan seemed to have a sixth sense that told him whenever his colleagues were up to something. Pavel had named it his 'Spockey Sense'.

It had been a Monday on the Enterprise, or at least that was what the computer said. No one really knew what day it was on Earth any more, except maybe Spock. Scotty was sitting in the mess hall, slowly eating his breakfast. Chekov and Sulu walked into the room, bringing with them the overly cheerful bubble that always seemed to surround them. They came down and sat down with him.

"Hi Scotty, what's on your mind?" Sulu asked as he sat down.

"We need to do something about Spock." The Scotsman muttered.

"Huh!? Vat did he do?"

"Avoided my prank. Again. This is getting out of hand." said a melodramatic Scotty.

Scotty recounted his plan to rig a paintball gun to fire on the Vulcan as he walked to the bridge, but Spock had chosen today to change his route. It was Bones instead who had ended up covered in paint.

"I agree. Ve must find ze prank zat finally gets him."

"Yes, but what. So far he's avoided every single one of our tricks, even Kirk's ones, and he's a genius at pranks!" Sulu looked intrigued by the mystery at hand.

"What about his hair? Uhura says he never styles it, he just wakes up and gets dressed. He doesn't even brush it. If we did something to it, he probably wouldn't notice for ages."

"But how could…" Sulu trailed off. He was interrupted by Chekov's cheek to cheek grin. It was evil and mischievous… Sulu knew that Chekov had just thought of the greatest plan in the history of pranks.

"Hold zat thought. I'll be right back!"

…

Kirk was trying not to laugh. So was Uhura and Scotty. Chekov and Sulu had given up long ago, the Russian giggling and the pilot laughing so hard he was going to faint. Spock was very confused. Bones was just watching the Vulcan like a hawk.

The Vulcan had walked into the bridge this morning to a calm and peaceful crew, until Kirk had turned in his chair to greet him. That was half an hour ago now. Spock was getting increasingly worried that his crewmates had contracted some kind of virus, but the doctor had not shown any sign of concern. Eventually he gave into his friends' amusement.

"My apologies, Captain, but I must ask; what is so amusing?"

Kirk looked up at the Vulcan, his face red from trying to keep his laughter at bay. "You really don't know?"

Spock shook his head slowly.

"It's your… it's your hair!"

Cautiously, Spock reached up on top of his head, only to find his famous bowl cut was gone.

Hikaru and Pavel had somehow managed to style the Vulcan's hair into an eccentric, bright pink mohawk.

From then on, Bones swore he had seen the Vulcan blush.

...

 **AN: Oh my God, I'm so so sorry I haven't posted in ages! It's been 6, almost 7 weeks! I would like to say I've been busy writing other things, but I haven't... but I do have plenty of ideas for longer, multi-chapter fics. I may focus more on those for a while, but who really knows?**

 **As per usual, thank you to every one who has followed/favorited/reviewed _Kirk's Rules,_ you always make my day when I read them! Feedback is loved so keep sending it in!**

 **Thanks to my wondeful editor, _The Doctor,_ who managed to edit this in an hour, after I begged her to do it all today (I'm not very good at waiting and I suck at spelling. I finished this chapter at noon, and wanted to post it by 8...). **

**And on other notes; HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I'm going trick or treating tonight, and my sister is trying to convince me that I'm _too old!_ It's my first time trick or treating (I'm from Australia) and I'm going as the TARDIS. I'm very excited...**

 **Thank You, and have a good week.**


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